Saying Goodbye to “What Could Have Been”

A lot of our lives have changed since the pandemic, including my own.  And for me, with these changes come one too many what-would-happen ifs, which if we’re being honest, can get pretty dark and feel inescapable at times. FYI, my therapist informed me this is called “catastrophizing,” and honestly it’s just nice to put a word to a feeling after 36 years!

One thing I’ve learned through this process? To let go of those thoughts and shift my focus on how my choices have gotten me to where I am today, the good and the bad. I learn from the bad and can see how I’ve changed for the better. I’ve taken the good and reflected on how the places and spaces I’ve been in have molded me into the person I am today. 

Dropping the mask

One of the best shows I’ve watched (and that’s saying something because we all know I love a good show) is Big Boys, a nostalgic (of course) laugh-out-loud comedy centered around comedian Jack Rooke’s life. I’ve never related to so many characters in a show at once (I promise I’m going somewhere with this)!  

Throughout the series, Jack’s best friend, Danny, is the life of the party, always has a smile on his face, and makes sure everyone around him feels safe. But little does anyone know he was battling deep depression.

In one scene that moved me to tears, a late Danny says to Jack, “I didn’t want to leave you. I wanted to leave me.” 

I know firsthand feeling the need to mask your true self can bring up some dark thoughts. But I’ll tell you, as life’s changed these past few years, I’ve found my chosen family and through this, some safe spaces to be myself and talk about what’s on my mind. FYI… I’m still very much working on being open and vulnerable from time to time, but more on that in another issue. 

Working On It > Fixing It

I’m not sure if it’s the Greek in me or my religious upbringing, but I feel this constant need for immediately fixing whatever is wrong. If I can’t quickly fix something for work, I feel an overwhelming sense of failure that snowballs into the classic “I’m getting fired” and “Are you mad at me?” mentality. This also holds true for my personal life, especially when it comes to my mental health. I was constantly seeking ways to “fix” my depression and anxiety, which ultimately led me nowhere.

It took me a while to weed through some therapists, tried different medications, and spent some time in a mental health center until I found the angel who is my current therapist. I remember in one of our first sessions she said something that altered my brain chemistry.

“You’ll never fix your depression or anxiety; you’ll learn to manage it. This will be a lifelong journey, but we’ll help give you the tools to keep repairing what happened in your past to affect your future.” 

PHEW, that wrecked me. As humbling and exhausting as it was to hear that, once I accepted it, I was then able to acknowledge these feelings and put in the work.