Hey friends! I recently read (saw in a TokTok) that the word “Monday” was also used by miners as another name for a “large and heavy sledgehammer,” which absolutely tracks…especially on the Monday before the holidays when no one really wants to be working anyway.

That’s why we’re talking about working (and “working”) when it feels like the rest of the world is kicking back. Keep reading for an Office reference that doesn’t suck and a slew of ideas to seem busy when we all know you’ve got visions of sugarplums (read: Matty Healy, Jenna Ortega, or Tanya from White Lotus, depending on what TikTok you’re on) dancing in your head.

—Rod

Move Your Mouse, Not the Needle

Story time: At one of my less fun jobs before becoming whatever I am now, I was told I had to work the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day because everyone else had already taken the time off.

As the youngest and newest (so new I didn’t even know where the bathroom was) team member, I was directed to hold down the fort while my coworkers got to unplug and drink spiked eggnog with their families—you know, “in case anyone reached out.” Again, I did not know where the bathroom was.

When I asked my boss who would be available to answer any of my questions (like where is the bathroom), he just stared at me like I had asked him for his Social Security number and birth chart. After a very long and awkward pause, he realized he was the one who had to support me if I needed help, and there was no way that was going to happen. He eventually came to his senses and told me I could just take the week off…when in reality, I was planning on doing that anyway.

The point is this: None of us are getting work done next week, even if we’re technically on the clock. When you see a “Happy Holidays!!!” Slack status this time of year, what you’re really seeing is “I’ll read your email next year, and I’m hoping by then you don’t need me anymore.”

So with that in mind, here are some ways to keep yourself juuuust busy enough from precisely 9am to precisely 5pm when you shouldn’t even be working in the first place:

Empty your inbox. I’m talking all the way back to your “Welcome to the family” intro email where you were forced to give three fun facts about yourself for the entire company to read…and while you’re at it, get rid of all of those “so glad you’re here!” replies from coworkers you’ve still never met.

Revamp your workspace. TBT to back-to-school shopping for gel pens and Trapper Keepers. Go out and buy yourself some fun new desk mementos to spice up your life a little. Bonus points if you can expense it all on the company card.

Organize your desktop. You know those 5,678 screenshots you have piled up in the corner of your screen? Let’s all channel our inner Marie Kondo…folders could be a nice start. And if work doesn’t spark any amount of joy for you, check the company policy on throwing your entire MacBook in the trash? :)

Pump up the jams. Create your own niche playlist or choose your favorite from my collection. And while you’re at it, email me your favorite song to spiral to from this playlist.

If all else fails, buy this mouse jiggler so your status on Teams stays forever green while you do everything but what your boss thinks you’re doing. ‘Tis the season!

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Things to Slack your work besties

…while you listen to Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” for the 34th time today.

I grew up wanting to be a professional dancer until I realized that my Stretch Armstrong limbs would get in the way of absolutely everything. Although that ship has sailed for me, this collection of inspiring late-bloomer stories reminded me that it’s never too late to go after your dreams. ~Live the life you love, love the life you live.~

Is it worth it? Let me…never work again. Missy Elliott’s album Under Construction turned 20 years old this year. Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott revisits what life was like back then and what’s helped her become the person she is today.

Dropping January 1, Netflix’s thriller Kaleidoscope is giving major Choose Your Own Adventure vibes. Minus the finale, episodes from the non-linear series can be watched in any order and will determine your viewing experience. So does this mean I can’t Wikipedia the ending to soothe my anxiety?

That’s all for today! I’ll see you back here Friday, where we’ll talk about taking care of your mental health while you’re back home sleeping in your childhood bedroom for the holidays.

IDK WHAT DO I KNOW?! LMAO!

—Rod